Babies, parents....

Im just an observer of course. I decided a long time ago that I would only have a kid if I had the kind of life that would allow me to really raise a kid. That means financial stability, a strong sense of who I am, and a partner who wanted a family with me. Well, I have one of those things, and these conditions I made for myself are non negotiable. And though I feel myself really wanting one, I know it just is not in the cards for me.

That being said, I seem to be surrounded by babies. Good for me, I can get my baby fix :-) And it seems that the people who are having kids are all in really good places. Good money coming in, helpful extended family,  partners who are  100% into raising healthy well rounded kids.

Except for the odd encounter, like today. I overheard a young father talking about how holding his baby girl while playing xbox is his idea of quality time. How he will not hold his tongue, will curse in front of his daughter because he can teach her that that is grown up talk. This does not strike me as the kind of man who makes a good father. Yes, teach your children right from wrong, but how can you do that if you don't know the difference? Cursing isn't exactly bad, but kids ought to learn the right way to communicate what they want and need, to work out for themselves how they need to speak on order to get what they want, not how to express frustration or aggression as a means of getting what they want through intimidation.

It's always one person who just ruins my faith in people.

indignant

on behalf of my mother.  to catch you up (if you didn't already know) she had her surgery Monday and will spend the rest of the week in the hospital to recover.  without going into further detail, let's just say she is on her way, the first hurdle in this journey is behind her.

through all of this, she has wanted to keep this private.  she didn't want to talk about it with anyone outside of family, and she made this very clear to all of her kids.  for my part, i only give this tiny bit of information about her because her situation has made me uneasy, and i need to explain why i've been absentminded to the people i work for, the person i live with and the dog i take care of.  it is her right to talk about it when she is ready, but i have to tell the people who are closest to me, who will suffer the effect of my lack of focus in every day life.

that being said, i was surprised to find a photo of my mother in a hospital bed posted on my sister's FB page.  i could not believe it.  it is in poor taste to show our mother in such condition, and at the same time ask for sympathy and prayers from her friends who have never met our mother.  i'm still so appalled by it, i can't even begin to express how horrified i am, or how mortified my mother would be. 

i made the comment that i didn't think she would appreciate seeing herself like that in a social website, and my sister immediately went on the defensive.  it seems she would prefer i not comment on this photo, this post because it was meant to illicit prayers and best wishes.  but for whom?  for my mom?  i don't think so.  somehow, my sister managed to turn my mother's surgery into an attention grabber for herself.

to give a little background, i am talking about the sister who told me a while back that she hated our parents for lying to her.  when i asked her what they lied about, she replied "santa claus".  on a separate occasion, she told me that she felt like our mother never showed her any love, and when i said she ought to try and repair her relationship with mom, she asked me "what's the point?".  she went on to say she wasn't interested in repairing their relationship, which makes me question the motivation behind posting that photo.

my head is whirling with anger and indignation.  given everything we have ever said to each other regarding our mother, i can't believe she would choose this moment in time to play the dutiful, loving daughter, a role she never wanted to play.

perhaps i'm just overly suspicious because she is not a very kind or loving person.  kindness from her is usually just an act with ulterior motives, self serving motives. 

and worst of all, i am exposing her in a way that is about even with the way she exposed our mother.  i guess that makes me a bad person too.

Shallow thoughts while eating a pretzel

I wonder if they have each light on a relay, or if the fixtures are programmable. A late night light show in a giant retail space like this would be kinda cool.