stop smelling my chicken!

human behavior baffles me.  people do weird things, and it makes me uncomfortable to witness it or worse yet be the victim of it.  so let's start with part one, pertaining to the title of this post.

i was sitting in the cafe at work, enjoying a meal of chicken tenders and a diet coke.  i'm the only one in the whole place, sitting in a corner far far away from the meal counter.  my earphones are plugged in, i'm enjoying a steady stream of sonic love from the cure, and i'm just watching people walk by.  i'm not intruding in any way, just observing, something i do.  what can i say?

a couple, or actually an elderly lady and her son, walk into the cafe and order lunch.  to the soda fountain for their beverages, and then they look around for a place to sit.  where do they decide to park it?  at the table next to mine.  they could sit....anywhere!...and they had to sit next to me.

fine and good, no problem.  except the way the seating is set up is for really close interaction.  the table next to me is less than a foot away, and the two decide they want to both sit on the same side.  but this means they have to turn sideways to slide between tables, which puts his junk and her butt by turns right into my face.  they could have chosen...any other seat!...but they chose to sit next to me.

so i had just a quiet moment of misery, stopped eating while they sat down, got up, sat down again, got up again, junk and ass in my face and  on my table, and then they finally settled in.  in my ears, the song screw is playing, and i have to force myself to not screw up my eyes each time they pass oh so close.

my lunch was ruined, not even the sweet wailing sounds of robert smith could save it, and i complained a little bit to my friend Tara.  being the girl she is, she started riffing on what the reasoning must have been for this unnecessarily close encounter.  "they wanted to be friendly; they thought you were cute and mom was trying to set you up with son; they wanted to smell your chicken".

as soon as she said it, i laughed out loud.  really. it is a ridiculous reason, but i am convinced that it is the one that fits best.  and from now on, when someone is uncomfortably inside my buffer zone, i will lean in close enough to clean their ear with my tongue and whisper "stop smelling my chicken".