What will I do without you?

The last two months have been difficult. Mom's journey is nearing its end, and all we can do is sit and wait.

I read somewhere that dying is not passive, it is an active process. One by one the organs shut down, and the workload increases on all the others until those too shut down.

Its been almost six months since my last post, and her quality of life was pretty good. She was able to get around on her own, did daily tasks without much trouble.

Her sister came to visit, stayed a few weeks, that was the highlight of her year. 

But then it all took a downward turn. Last Thursday, she was taken to the emergency room.  She felt a sharp pain in her chest, and then couldn't breathe. A few days later, she was still having trouble breathing, so they put a window in her chest to help drain fluid that had built up around her heart, causing pain and respiratory distress.

Prognosis is not good. She has a life expectancy of two months, but that means it could end at any given moment.

Even after draining the fluid out of her chest, she still struggles to breathe, so much so that she breaks a sweat.

My mother, 78 years young, will probably never leave this hospital.

I think back to just one month ago, when I would rub her back, draw angel wings with my fingers to ease her aches and pains. After I was done, she would hug me and whisper in my ear "what am I going to do without you?", knowing I would have to leave soon. Now sitting here with her in the dark, watching for her final breath but hoping that never happens, I can almost see the wings taking shape on her tiny little body. And all I can think is "what am I going to do without you, Mom?"

I love my mother. I just wish this wasn't a struggle, that there was no pain.